Summary

Crane House serves up a flawless no-fuss patty melt.

Upsides

The standard “Hamburg Cheese Sandwich” at Crane House is great, but the variants (mushroom, jalapeño, or egg) are all terrific. The bread is evenly toasted, while the cheese, patty, onions, and mayo all properly meld together on the griddle. Thick, crispy chips instead of fries and a pickle is the right call for a cheeseburger sandwich.

I deeply appreciate the use of Colby-Jack cheese. That’s not something I really see in Japan.

Downsides

The only real downside at Crane House is that it takes a little while. The kitchen is run by just one person, usually Teppei, and he’s often the one taking down orders too. Maybe I wish the pickle on the plate was larger? It’s great with the sandwich, but it’s only one bite.

American in Japan

I’m really lucky to have this place in my neighborhood. It’s the kind of cheeseburger I could honestly have every day, and that’s not something I often feel about even great cheeseburgers. But it’s so damn perfect, having grown up eating a lot of patty melts.

If you want a milkshake—and I get one every once in a while—one thing you gotta be careful of is ordering them. The full-size one is its own meal, but there’s a mini size tucked away on the menu which is plenty. There’s a bunch of fun flavors, including cranberry, coffee, matcha, chai, rum, and sake.

Summary

Justa Burger is one of the best burgers I’ve ever had, hands down. It’s simultaneously grown-up and childish.

Upsides

There are three sauce options: Aioli, Cajun, or Teriyaki. While all are great, the aioli is incredible. Each burger is otherwise identical, with two slices of cheese, two thick pickles, and one mini tomato. The presentation is entirely charming. With the bun set aside, you can see how every ingredient is placed carefully and deliberately.

The aioli and potato bun are a little grown-up and knowing. The cheese and presentation are a little childish and playful. None of it is amateur. The taste is unquestionably delicious.

Downsides

The size of vegetable toppings means you won't get it in every bite. If you’re not paying attention, the mini tomato bite will surprisingly explode.

The burger feels little, presenting a devastating dilemma: Are you satisfied with just one, or do you need another?

Secret Basement Burger Joint

Justa Burger is tucked away. It’s in the basement of the A.I.R. Building in Nihombashi, under Cafe Pharmacy. You could easily pass it by or ignore the sign because there doesn’t seem to be a burger joint inside.

When you walk in to the cafe, and head downstairs, you’ll be immediately faced with the tiniest kitchen at the base of the stairs, where Mari-kun pivots between cooking and taking orders.

I try to take everyone here who visits. I know not everyone wants to eat a burger when traveling to Japan, but even if I only had 24 hours in Tokyo, I’d proably make time for this.

Summary

The cheeseburger at Gott’s Roadside is worthwhile, with all the right flavors.

Upsides

Gott’s Roadside serves a great cheeseburger with vibrant color and taste. You can see everything inside with the half-wrapped burger presentation.

Downsides

The sauce is a little runny. Ingredients may be front-loaded for presentation. It’s also a bit expensive. A cheeseburger costs as much as entire combo meal at comparative places. Gott’s is not just a burger joint, so it’s not optimized for cranking them out as quickly as they could.

Summary

After transforming from an upscale Los Angeles burger restaurant to a fast food joint in Japan, Umami Burger is still good and novel, but no longer great.

Upsides

Umami Burger leans into umami ingredients like shiitake and parmesan. They have a good “Cali” burger too, that attempts to scratch an In-N-Out itch, which admittedly is more novel in Tokyo than it would be in Los Angeles. Their burgers are generally more unique than other chains in Japan.

Downsides

It feels cheaper than it used to, but still costs as much as it used to. Like Shake Shack, it’s too greasy, and super messy if you don’t use the paper wrapper. Heck, it’s messy even with the paper wrapper.

I’m confident that the quality of the remaining one or two LA locations has likely completely withered, making Tokyo the only place you can get something that resembles what California’s Umami Burger once was.

LA → Tokyo

This is super strange to write about, because the Umami Burger that I once knew is long gone. What was a nice restaurant in San Francisco—only 20 minutes from my apartment by bus—is now basically a Tokyo-only fast food chain—with a location only 20 minutes away from my apartment by train.

It’s unbelievable just how much changed in 15 years to allow this very specific coincidence to occur, and I must be one of very few people who has ever had both to compare.

Umami Burger was very different in 2011. It was a proper restaurant, with servers, a bar, and a novel Japanese theme. When it originally opened, it commanded a one-hour wait. The condiments (Umami Ketchup, Dijon Mustard, House Spread, Roasted Garlic Aioli, and Jalapeño Ranch) came in ramen spoons. A burger + fries + drink set was called a “kombu” meal (a play on “combo,” a confusing pun if in Japan). A white katana was on display at the entrance.

Now, it nearly-exclusively exists as a small fast food chain in Japan and maybe a small operation in LA. It’s really hard to say what’s going on with the remaining US locations, because the last post on social media was more than a year ago and all of their locations in San Francisco, Las Vegas, Chicago, and New York seem to have permanently closed, but there are still a couple operational in Los Angeles and four in Japan, though they seem related in name and logo only.

It’s actually very confusing as to what’s going on, because the US website is outdated and potentially compromised. The menu on the US website links to a gambling scam. I’m not even sure the two locations in LA are related to each other.

It’s a sad story, but one we’ve become all too familiar with. In 2011, when Umami expanded to San Francisco, a nightclub company (??) called SBE purchased a stake in the company, which later acquired a majority stake in 2016. The new CEO expanded a shadow of its original concept to other regions while the former locations seem to have wasted away.

Rather than let it be, and evolve over time, someone got greedy and ruined it.

This really used to be what I would consider a three-star burger, and it’s a shame what’s happened. It’s still good, if you find yourself in Tokyo. But I fear it may be short-lived.

Processed American cheese is made from dairy, salt, and water. Those are the same basic ingredients used in every other process of making cheese. That’s right. All cheese is processed. The difference is not that American cheese is processed, but how it’s processed.

“It’s not real cheese!”

Where did this idea come from?

The US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has standard definitions for “pasteurized process American cheese” and “pasteurized process American cheese food.” The former must contain entirely traditional cheese, except for salt, dairy fat, emulsifiers, and colorants. The latter can contain a minimum of 51% traditional cheese, with the remainder being other dairy ingredients like cream or milk. Just as a reminder, traditional cheese is made from dairy too. And the yellow-orange pigmentation of American cheese is from annatto, the same ingredient that gives Cheddar its color.

Besides dairy ingredient ratios, the only “weird” part here is an emulsifier. But the emulsifier in processed cheese is in lots of other food and drinks, too. So, it’s not that weird.

Now, some cheese uses ingredients that are not in the FDA’s definition of what can be called either of these kinds of processed cheese. For example, Kraft Singles uses “milk protein concentrate.” It’s probably this that triggered a generation of people who would panic about American cheese not being “real” cheese. You can read about MPC all you want, but the juiciest thing you’ll find is that it’s not subject to a tariff quota like other dairy products are, which lets Kraft buy it from outside the US without paying too much in taxes.

Kraft not being able to label Kraft Singles as a “pasteurized process American cheese” doesn’t bother me. Nor does it bother me that the inclusion of MPC is what makes them unable to. It’s “cheese” in a colloquial way, and I think arguing otherwise is just semantics. Legal technicality semantics. Everyone’s favorite kind.

My tongue doesn’t care about such a legal technicality.

But more importantly, the extra milk and emulsifying salt is so the cheese melts nicely. When you melt Cheddar on its own, the fat, water, and protein separate. It’s not just unappealing visually, it also doesn’t have a smooth, creamy texture. You want cheese on a cheeseburger to melt evenly.

To do that, they add more milk and an emulsifying salt to a mix of real, traditional cheese to get a smoother, creamier cheese that melts evenly. Ta-da! It’s really not that weird.

It’s like trying to fight about what defines “chocolate” based solely on the ratio of milk to cocoa. Less milk gives you a stronger, more bitter flavor. More milk makes it smoother and creamier. They’re different, but both are chocolate.

American cheese is just perfect for burgers. It’s almost as if it was made for it! The higher milk content helps it melt and subdues the taste of the real cheeses in it, like Cheddar and Colby, to complement rather than overpower.

If you don’t want to listen to me because I’m not an expert, fine. I’m not an expert. But J. Kenji López-Alt is. If you want a more scientific and culinary explanation, he’s your guy.

I’m not an expert. But then again, who is? This is not in any way scientific or objective. How could it be? My ratings are based on how burgers taste compared to what I want burgers to taste like.

To me, an ideal cheeseburger has the following:

• Fluffy, toasted bun
• Grilled onion
• Processed cheese
• Thin patty
• Crisp lettuce
• Juicy tomatoes
• Cucumber pickles
• Tangy, mayo-based sauce

The order of ingredients is important. It’s not critical, but I think this order makes a lot of sense. The sauce and veg are the cool ingredients. Your tongue should hit those first so you enjoy how fresh and crisp they are and to save you from the hot patty and melted cheese.

The melted cheese sticks to the top bun. The sauce coats the bottom bun and dresses the “salad” part of the sandwich when you bite. If the cool ingredients are on the top, above the cheese, the watery vegetables sweat. The hot-cool barrier created between the patty and lettuce is the key to prevent that. The cool, raw vegetables don’t benefit being adjacent to the hot, melted cheese.

I probably sound crazy, but In-N-Out gets this exactly right.

Summary

The McDonald’s Big Mac is a classic, with a unique flavor, but it comes with all the baggage of being from McDonald’s.

Upsides

The Big Mac is great. It’s iconic. I don’t get tired of it, and there are times I specifically crave it. Also, it’s everywhere, which makes it extremely easy to get. It’s simple, good, and relatively cheap.

Downsides

It’s McDonald’s. So, I know it’s made cheaply. And I know it’s a giant company, and I hate giant companies. Not everything at McDonald’s is good. It’s not a “can’t go wrong” kind of place.

For Better or for Worse

As Cabel Sasser correctly put it, “For better or for worse, McDonald’s is a big part of my psyche.” So many of us grew up with it. It has permeated our neighborhoods and our lives. So many of us have witnessed it completely dominate the global market. It’s impossible to avoid it.

A lot of people love it, yet a lot of people hate it. I think most of us have a love-hate relationship with McDonald’s.

It’s one of those places you feel guilty about. But not just because it’s trashy. It feels guilty because eating a burger from McDonald’s seems like a betrayal to every place you know is better.

I have a belief that no one goes to a burger place for fries, but McDonald’s may be the sole exception. I think people tolerate their mediocre menu because their fries are incredibly good.

I wish I could’ve experienced what McDonald’s was like in the 1950s. Then again, they didn’t have the Big Mac yet.

Summary

While it has changed no doubt as a result of its rapid global expansion, Shake Shack has a great burger.

Upsides

Shake Shack makes a solid burger. It tastes great. All the ingredients look vibrant. The potato bun is perfectly fluffy. Being multi-national now, you can get it in lots of major cities around the planet.

Downsides

It’s kinda too greasy, and it feels heavy in your stomach.

Once a Literal Shack

This is one prominent example I have personally witnessed where upon expanding, the taste and vibe changed. I went to New York when it was the only place you could get Shake Shack, and the location I went to was a literal shack in the park. It felt special because it was small.

As they opened more locations, I was excited, but also worried. I ate at Shake Shack in Seoul, South Korea. And it just …did not taste the same. It was clear to me that sourcing was different, and that affected the flavor. Sure, it tasted like a Shake Shack burger. But more like an alternate-universe Shake Shack burger.

I went to the Portland location when it opened, and it was a little bittersweet. While eating, I distinctly remembered how much I once loved this burger. And it’s still good. But I think every time I eat one now, it’s just because it reminds me of the one I first had.

Maybe that’s why In-N-Out is cautious about expansion. McDonald’s was probably once excellent, but every step forward meant compromise, and the people who knew it before know it’s not the same.

Summary

Five Guys makes a tasty, if messy burger.

Upsides

Five Guys burgers are tasty. There’s no doubt about it. And the breadth of topping choices means everyone can make their burger exactly the way they want it to be. In a way, they’ve idealized fast-food customization. And their fries are particularly good, especially the cajun spice variety.

Downsides

It is so expensive for what you get. The price is more than double what you’d pay for McDonald’s, but it doesn’t taste twice as good as McDonald’s. It’s hard to know what you’re paying for with that extra money.

The menu is confusing and daunting. A double cheeseburger is nowhere to be found, because a “cheeseburger” has two patties. A single cheeseburger is a “little cheeseburger” for some reason. This is not defined anywhere on the menu.

The cheese is placed during the assembly phase, so it doesn’t get a chance to melt on the griddle. The burger is wrapped in foil rather than paper, which crushes the bun. Thereby, I’ve never seen a photogenic Five Guys burger. If you order fries, they will be dumped into your bag, which you will receive whether or not you ordered for takeout. Your hands will be dirty before you unwrap anything, making it impossible to eat the meal cleanly.

Even if you like the free peanuts, it’s a weird gimmick that makes for an unsafe place for people allergic to peanuts.

An Axe to Grind

I’ve surely got it out for Five Guys. Because they are good, but they’re also kind of annoying about it. They’ve made a place so confusing, messy, and unsafe, littered with quotes about how good they are. “Willy Wonkas of Burgercraft” doesn’t even make sense.

I would love to see the concept retuned. Lose the peanuts, the foil, and the “ghetto grocery bags.” Melt the cheese while the patty is on the griddle, wrap the burgers in red-checkered paper, and place them neatly on a tray. Keep the price. It’d be such a huge improvement.

Summary

In-N-Out makes a perfect burger.

Upsides

What makes In-N-Out special is its value. Taste, presentation, and price are all excellent. In some places, a Double-Double is cheaper than a Big Mac from McDonald’s. And yet, the quality is so much higher. The restaurants are nicer. The staff is friendlier. How In-N-Out manages to maintain its very high standards while still being an economical option is a miracle.

Burgers are half-wrapped and placed on end, so you get a perfect view of what’s inside. Every burger is picturesque.

A Double-Double is the platonic ideal of a cheeseburger. There exists a perfect ratio of every ingredient. The menu is dead simple. All complexity is hidden to prevent indecisiveness at the counter. It has clearly been thoughtfully designed.

Downsides

In-N-Out locations are often unbelievably busy. The drive-thru lane is notoriously ridiculous; ordering inside is quicker.

Love Letter

My first apartment was walking distance from an In-N-Out. That was dangerous. Sending an image of a Double-Double in a coworker group chat at Apple consistently got everyone on board for a lunch outing. I came back from an international trip and left the airport during my connection to go to the nearest In-N-Out. When I’m in Anaheim for Disneyland, I will gladly leave the park early to get In-N-Out with friends. When I lived in Portland, my friend Jeff and I drove 40 minutes to get a couple Double-Doubles each, every month. And when I moved to Tokyo, I waited six hours for an In-N-Out popup.

What I’m saying is: In-N-Out is really good.

My Order

• Double-Double
  • Whole-grilled onion
  • Pickles
  • Chilis
• Animal-Style Fries

If you’re familiar with Michelin stars, it’s kind of like that. Not every place that serves burgers would earn a star, but one star is a good rating. If I wouldn’t want to eat it again, it doesn’t make the cut.

Factors

I value good value. When a delicious burger is cheap, that’s really hard to beat. So cost is a factor. Expensive burgers are often worse because more expensive choices don’t always make the burger better.

Sides, however, are not a factor. How the fries compare can be someone else’s job. In my experience, no one goes to a bad burger joint because the fries are amazing, but people will tolerate bad fries when the burgers are incredible.

Updates

Ratings and reviews on this website are not fixed, and I may change ratings over time when either my feelings change or the burgers change. I may rewrite or amend reviews.

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“I disagree!”

This blog is about which burgers I like, not which ones you like. You can accept that we like different things or not. But I promise there’s absolutely no value in telling me that your opinion is different.